Breaking up. All you need is a clean break, and some space. Yeah BUT.....

Breaking up is hard. “Oh no shit Ben”, I hear you saying. 

O.K., there’s no need to be like that, I know I’m stating the fucking obvious, but I have a point. I think. So we’ve established the ground breaking discovery that break up's are hard.

BUT - that's the first of many "BUT's" in this post - as simple as it seems, I have found it helpful to acknowledge that it is hard. I still do. Too often when friends ask "how are you going?", there is a tendency to ignore the truth, push it aside, be strong, be brave, tell the world even if we are feeling like shit,  "Oh I'm fine". I've been pretty good at the old “I’m fine”. 

I'm (not) fine....

Over the last 3 years or so, I've been "fine". And then "not fine" and then "ok" and then "better", and then "bitter" and then "good" and then "not quite ok", and then "great" and "awesome" and then "nah not so good", and...... thats life. Its not all good. And as an Australian male, and I’m sure its similar elsewhere, we are a community that have taken too long to acknowledge it's ok not be fine. And to talk. Really talk. And share feelings. But not cry. Don’t fucking cry in front of your mates you big wuss. Now go wrestle a crocodile.

Today I reactivated my mental health plan with my doctor, because I know at the moment, I need to talk to a psychologist again. Even just admitting that, I had a weird hesitant flutter inside, as I typed it. And I shouldn’t. And you shouldn’t. Its normal and healthy to feel, and to talk about how you feel. We don’t have a problem talking about the good times, and the not so good times are just as important to share too. With the RIGHT PEOPLE (I have another blog post on the way all about that). 

I remember years ago my sister giving me some comforting and realistic advice after I’d gone through a break up with a girlfriend. She said “It's going to be hard, and feel like shit, BUT you are going to be ok.” There was something so much more comforting around hearing the “you’ll be ok” without ignoring the obvious truth. All my sister did was acknowledge the hurt and pain, and then added the “It’ll be ok” bit.  And it did hurt, BUT I am ok. 

Now we all know that the best thing to do after a break up is to have a have a good clean break. Time apart and lots of space, to be able to heal and get over the relationship. BUT….. and it’s a BUT I hadn’t even thought about, when there is a child or more involved, you DON’T get a clean break. Or space. You are constantly in contact with that person you don’t want anything to do with or hear from or be near….. how helpful?! In fact I was lucky if I got more than 6 hours on a good day. And that was at night. While I was asleep.

Now we all know that the best thing to do after a break up is to have a have a good clean break. Time apart and lots of space, to be able to heal and get over the relationship. BUT…..

Just as you find your self stopping for the first time at the end of the day sitting on the couch, a smile grows from inside your chest. Its been a while. You take a breath and you think…“ahhhhh” I’m Ok. Im doing ok, Im moving on and… 

“bzzzzzz” “beep beep” “bzzzzzz” “beep beep”

A text from the ex: “What time are you doing drop off tomorrow?” 

OK, it’s just a little text, send a quick reply and you can get back to….

“bzzzzzz” “beep beep” “bzzzzzz” “beep beep”

ANOTHER text form the ex: “Can you make sure there are some spare undies in the bag, he is running out of undies here” 

Calm Ben. Calm….. big deep breath….. in. out. breathe. it's all o.k. it's all….

“bzzzzzz” “beep beep” “bzzzzzz” “beep beep”

YEP YOU GUESSED IT: “What do you think about Karate on Wednesday nights and swimming on Fridays?”

FUUUCCKKKKK…… Um…. I don't know I wasn’t thinking about swimming or karate, I was thinking about how happy I was for once and what I was going to watch on Netfl....

“bzzzzzz” “beep beep” “bzzzzzz” “beep beep” 

WHAT NOW?: “You forgot to put Jethros sports uniform in his bag” 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!………

And a flurry of short sharp passive aggressive texts ensue…..  until you feel like you are having a thumb fight with your phone. 

So your much needed clean break comes in bursts, sometimes no more than 5mins apart.

Sharing moments - Jethro meeting Brickman - Australia's only official Lego designer.

And now for the final BUT……

Those annoying, albeit mostly necessary texts and emails, slowly morphed into something else. Through a big dose of FOMO, and not wanting to miss out on being apart of all those beautiful moments, big or small in my child’s life while he was with his mum, we made sure we shared those moments. The more I shared, the more his mum shared and vic a versa. We had a common interest that was away form all the shit that comes with separated parents. We were communicating around a common love. And it was ok to laugh, and smile or feel concerned together. From how he went at the swimming carnival, to something funny he said sitting on the toilet, photos of drawings or merit certificates he brought home from school, articles about better parenting and support or videos of him doing a crazy nude dance in the kitchen.  And over time the way we communicated (mostly) changed and became an open dialogue around the love of  our child.

I know all circumstances are different, and you may have an ex that is a crazy dragon monster beast, or maybe thats you? But maybe give it a try. Regardless of our differences as single parents, we do have one thing in common - the love of our child/ren. So if you start with that first, in all your communication with your ex, and you both commit to sharing what you love about your child, the memories, moments, achievements, accidents, art, and the farts, you might just see a difference.

Daddy got free tickets to Coldplay! 

In the beginning, sure there were probably a few competitive, self motivated “they’re having more fun with me” shares - like “look at us at on the moon. We just got a quick rocket here after school with Richard Branson. So much fun” or “thought you might like to see this - had a ball at Skywalker Ranch getting a personal tour from George Lucas. So cool. Ha LOLs.” Or “We had such a lovely afternoon hanging out with Daniel Radcliffe sharing all his personal stories about being Harry Potter. So much fun. He was so nice and he makes the best lasagne. He knew?”. 

My main point.... breaking up is hard. And with a child you wont be getting the clean break you need, so enjoy the moments of space you have. Talk about how you feel, and be aware that there is lots of back and forth in communicating around your child, so why not try and do it with a want to share the moments that make being a parent so amazing?

*In Australia you can have 10 medicare covered sessions with allied mental health services , where most of the fees are covered if not all. All you need to do is talk to your GP and ask for a mental health plan to be set up. Do it!

More info here: https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/mental-health-care-plan

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